Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Bloody internet 😳
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.