Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I don’t hate children, just yours.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
plant them where lol
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.