Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
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My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”