“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
You Might Also Like
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.