@PaperWash

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

- @PaperWash

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@lafpgh

He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then…he insulted my tweets.

@tsm560

Shoutout to all the introverts! Hey! Where’re you going?!! Come here!

@squirrel74wkgn

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

@patnspankme

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

@Midgetspar

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

@oothikicha

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

@hamspamtymaam

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

@liv_thatsme

I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?

@NightTraumaDoc

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?