-captain of the Titanic


-captain of the Titanic

- @PaperWash

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He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then…he insulted my tweets.


Shoutout to all the introverts! Hey! Where’re you going?!! Come here!


Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please


In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.


Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.



Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.


If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.


I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?