ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They’re Home.

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I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.


[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal


The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…


I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.


My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.


I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.


FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.


That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..


Facebook: Holy Crap, I know this person.

Twitter: Good Lord, I know this person.