Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Love it! 👍😂
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
#oldknees
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*