Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.