@ksujulie

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

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@gruffybeard

I’m pretty sure Tom and Jerry were married.

Sure, there were some instances of them getting along, but mostly they never talked and spent their days trying to kill each other in the most painful way possible.

@Mwass_

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

@iwearaonesie

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

@hermanntrude

It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.

@grievre

20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy
30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives

@daemonic3

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

@Darlainky

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

@joeljeffrey

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

@Kyle_Lippert

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.