Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.