Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
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Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!