@Playing_Dad

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

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@DrakeGatsby

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

@bridger_w

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

@rebrafsim

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

@KKAlThani

“How do we hide Superman’s identity?” They asked.

A man kicked in the door & yelled “With glasses!” & everyone started clapping for him.

@jazz_inmypants

[when I’m home]

me: *uses the same towel for {Censored} days in a row*

[at a hotel]

me: (calling the front desk) yea hi can you send up a few more towels I used up the 4 you gave me and I haven’t even showered yet

@Parkerlawyer

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

@awkwardphilippe

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

@_NikkaBee

Messages you through eBay.

Hi, why did you block me?