[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
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I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Sing it!
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.