You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
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co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*