remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
“ice, ice, baby. ice, ice, bab–no ice– no thats definitly a babey” – man who has a job sorting babys and ice at the ice & baby factorey
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Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Cats are so lucky. Nobody thinks twice when they run from company and hide under the bed. I do it and its “weird”.