@jonnysun

“ice, ice, baby. ice, ice, bab–no ice– no thats definitly a babey” – man who has a job sorting babys and ice at the ice & baby factorey

You Might Also Like

@ImOnlineLol

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

@KalvinMacleod

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

@NewDadNotes

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

@maxi_tea

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

@tchrquotes

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

@Contwixt

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

@Holy_Mowgli

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

@GinAndJif

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

@DeadLioness

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

@Zombie_Kit

Cats are so lucky. Nobody thinks twice when they run from company and hide under the bed. I do it and its “weird”.