English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
You Might Also Like
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Good morning
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
time machine? you mean a clock?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I’ve been learning to cook.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.