Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

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date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel


Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.


Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.


I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.


Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.


executioner: you may choose your punishment

me: peppermint

executioner: no, like a weapon

me: oh. spearmint


God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?

Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off


Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?

Me: Trying to summon my period.