Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
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What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that