date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
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Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
executioner: you may choose your punishment
executioner: no, like a weapon
me: oh. spearmint
God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?
Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off
Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?
Me: Trying to summon my period.