@BuckyIsotope

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

@OneFunnyMummy

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

@JerkVening

Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.

@ojedge

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

@MooseAllain

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

@mister_blank

executioner: you may choose your punishment

me: peppermint

executioner: no, like a weapon

me: oh. spearmint

@KissabiX

God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?

Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off

@LittleMissAngr1

Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?

Me: Trying to summon my period.