Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
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If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Damn he played himself
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I can’t be the only one 😂
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Real House Wines.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.