“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
You Might Also Like
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends