“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.