Ice skating is like walking in cursive
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After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.