ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
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My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up