@Holy_Mowgli

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

You Might Also Like

@Julia_May_Jonas

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

@crapitscori

My husband is at a wedding and I’m really pulling for him to meet a nice girl

@Smooheed

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

@Shen_the_Bird

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

@hermanntrude

Middle names are so weird. It’s like your parents said “these are your names but here’s the runner up”

@Fred_Delicious

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

@hipstermermaid

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!






2015: Taco Emoji!

@blimeyguvnor

I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it’s 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can’t get this horse off my couch

@kavoinooi

I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don’t hurt his feelings

@eedrk

alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i’m the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
me: why