ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

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Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.


My husband is at a wedding and I’m really pulling for him to meet a nice girl


My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling


a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do


Middle names are so weird. It’s like your parents said “these are your names but here’s the runner up”


[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”


1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!

2015: Taco Emoji!


I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it’s 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can’t get this horse off my couch


I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don’t hurt his feelings


alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i’m the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
me: why