“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
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not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too