Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.