I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations