If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
This dude got his own movie?
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.