I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
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If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
A woman drives into a bar.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.