I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
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what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.