i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
🙅🏻
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
You can’t outrun your problems…
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty