I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

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When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.


About to hit the ball
Boss: you said you’d played before?

Me: uh yes

Boss: that’s a putter

Me: Is that wrong?

Boss: wrong for squash yes


Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.


[first date]

Her: know what you’re getting yet?

Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus.

Her: oh, you have a kid at home?

Me: no.


Guy: *slides into my DMs* hi
Me: *opens back door so he slides straight back out* bye


“My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, “You’re the third one this week”


Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help


Considering the yr Jesus is said to have been born, I question those who give him the wheel or make him their copilot.


Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*


the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me