I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
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Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
finally
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line