When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
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About to hit the ball
Boss: you said you’d played before?
Me: uh yes
Boss: that’s a putter
Me: Is that wrong?
Boss: wrong for squash yes
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Her: know what you’re getting yet?
Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus.
Her: oh, you have a kid at home?
Guy: *slides into my DMs* hi
Me: *opens back door so he slides straight back out* bye
“My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, “You’re the third one this week”
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Considering the yr Jesus is said to have been born, I question those who give him the wheel or make him their copilot.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me