I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
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The opposite of goth is stopth.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey