I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
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Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.