I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
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911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
it is time once again
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO