I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE