I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit