@LostFelicia

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

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@sonictyrant

Me: [forgetting the word pineapple] one large fruit grenade please

@AndrewNadeau0

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

@3sunzzz

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

@frankiemuniz

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

@TheTweetOfGod

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

@Fred_Delicious

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]

“no actually”