I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

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Me: [forgetting the word pineapple] one large fruit grenade please


No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.


Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.


If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.


The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.


[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]

“no actually”