Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
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her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….