I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
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Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.