I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

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Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.


*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*


If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British


Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.


Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.


? Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ?

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.


WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?


Listen, if I have to spend $14 for a movie ticket, I expect you to pause the movie when I have to go to the bathroom.


ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not