oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized