POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
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I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Always leave them wanting their money back.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”