The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
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Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
smartest karate player in the world
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?