I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
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My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat: