@karanbirtinna

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

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@freedom2726

No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.

@seamusmckracken

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

@TweetPotato314

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

@MavenofHonor

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

@rodney_at_large

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

@SarahR_82

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

@Samigrl2

“Do what you love & the money will follow.”

Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear.

And now, I wait…

@3sunzzz

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

@LikChan

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

@momopface

WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.