I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

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No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.


My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.


detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em


Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.


I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.


The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.


“Do what you love & the money will follow.”

Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear.

And now, I wait…


My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”


I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.


WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.