When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets
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If you asked Jesus on the cross what he wanted the holiday marking his death to be called, “Good Friday” would not have leaped to his mind.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.