Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
FRED: right
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
went fishing caught a bass