@Godhatespants

I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets

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@captainkalvis

waiter: and for you sir?

me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy

@IronWang

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

@clinicallychill

Haunted by a ghost that hates confrontation they just leave notes on my bathroom mirror like “saw u werent scared by me last nite whats up?”

@CherBear162

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

@dafloydsta

Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?

@OpieDokey

I always get a “Yes” from women, but it’s usually followed by “That’s him, officer.”

@DadZZZasleep

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question