@Godhatespants

I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets

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@PaulyPeligroso

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

@TheTweetOfGod

If you asked Jesus on the cross what he wanted the holiday marking his death to be called, “Good Friday” would not have leaped to his mind.

@SvnSxty

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

@UncleDuke1969

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

@noog

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

@polychromatik

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

@wolfpupy

i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels

@norm

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.