I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you, I’d dig a hole in my backyard for you.

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My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants


He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*


The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away


Just saw a bumper sticker that said “I’d rather be tweeting.” It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.


Me: Can I bring my wife?
Travel Agent: Of course
Me: But I’m hetero. Does that matter?
Travel Agent: Do you think I’m saying Gayman Islands?


[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-


Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!


Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.