My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you, I’d dig a hole in my backyard for you.
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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “I’d rather be tweeting.” It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.
Me: Can I bring my wife?
Travel Agent: Of course
Me: But I’m hetero. Does that matter?
Travel Agent: Do you think I’m saying Gayman Islands?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.