“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
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Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Kids, do not try this at home!
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
This hospital has everything