I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms