I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
🤣🤣🤣
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.