I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

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My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.


My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?


I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.


I sleep with a Bible under my pillow in case anyone wants to break in and accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior


The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.


friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes


What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??


[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes


[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*


PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –