I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
never compromise your values
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny