My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
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We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Me: I have a date tonight.
Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.
Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.