@juneohara65

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

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@ObscureGent

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

@kelkulus

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

@UnFitz

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

@NikiWithIssues

If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.

@ArfMeasures

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

@RickAaron

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

@Holy_Mowgli

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

@RocketRankoon

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

@Twtercide

Me: I have a date tonight.

Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.

Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….

@Jake_Vig

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly