I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
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I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
*pronounces patio like ratio
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.