I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

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My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.


We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.


You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”


If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.


MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*


It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.


[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here


*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold


Me: I have a date tonight.

Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.

Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….


George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.