The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
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20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
😎 🍻
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”