I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
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As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.