“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
That’s classic.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.