Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
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New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Rt to bother an English speaker
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.