Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
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Arm wrestling is for guys who like to hold hands with other guys while staring into their eyes.
Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.
I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”
Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died