Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
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Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.