I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
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I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt